The subject of values is a bit heavy so, forgetting semantics, I’ve included taste and outlooks – or things which direct your life every day.
It came as a bit of a shock when I realised that I no longer believed in the things I thought I did. Or that my view of certain things had changed. Maybe I was never really sure what I believed in or perhaps I brandished words as though they defined me and used them as shields against the outside world.
Over the past few years I’ve been re-assessing a lot of things. I’m not going to say what because those who might be reading this have to find their own way (and I’m not an expert). Maybe I just mean my outlook on life. Mine changed when I moved away from everyone (quite deliberately) and then looked at what I wanted and what I didn’t want.
The only thing I regret is not having had the belief to stand my own ground more and go my own way a lot earlier on in life. Also to learn different techniques or approaches in dealing with people and the situations I’ve repeatedly found myself in. (If you keep ending up in the same not very pleasant situations then you must be doing something wrong).
So where I used to think that everyone else I worked with would have a similar outlook as me (they hardly ever did) I found had to force myself to act on their level and as a result lost my own being, never tried as hard as I could have, and just never did most of the things I wanted to do, and was nowhere near as independent (as opposed to dependent) as I thought I was.
As just one example, I used to think in terms of: education; CV; employer; job; moan a lot about injustices at work; mortgage for 25 years; pay bills; possible promotion; constant struggle against ‘money men’ etc. Also probably a lot of inverted snobbery. But now I want to create and run my own personal economy regardless of what might be happening around me.
Maybe with writing fiction I’ve started even though I have no money coming in, but I’ve become slightly less self-conscious and I care slightly less about what others think.
I still look at others and wonder why they went out and did all that they wanted to, whereas I didn’t or at least not to the same extent. I suppose I’ve progressed in fits and starts. It’s all a bit sobering but I want to move on. I feel there’s a lot more in me than I have hitherto used. Now I only need to channel those feelings into action, find the right kind of contacts, and make sure I keep at arms length the shallow and superficial kind I used to know.